Tag: life

The Greatest Teacher Of Them All

As I recently wrote as a reply to a post here at WordPress:-

“I’m of the belief (and these are my beliefs) that this life and all future lives, whether they be human or fish, fur and feather, all take place in the Eternal Moment of NOW.”

I believe all beings reincarnate and their next lives have a karmic resonance.

In other words, a hunter in one life comes back as the hunted in the next. Although there is only the one life for everyone, both individually and as a ‘collective.’ What do I mean by that?

I believe there is one Universal Soul and we are each a part of that or rather what is referred to as the Ego believes it’s a part of/apart from that Universal Soul (which I am going to simply call from this point on, US). In fact none of who we presently term ‘us’ is a part of nor apart from US. We are ‘each’ the ALL. We are each US.

The body is within the Soul.

The US being the web of life within which we are all connected because we are One. Our bodies are a way for the US to experience itself subjectively, a series of mirrors reflecting back stages of Truth although we ‘each’ contain the Entirety of US.

I believe ‘we’ have the option as human beings to align ourselves with Truth, which is the greater US or to allow ourselves to be guided and ruled by the Temporal, eg The World and its myriad influences.

I believe that what are referred to as lower beings – animals, insects, bacteria etc are in actual fact the US in action or motion objectively. No subjective reflection is needed within that.

We often hear that ‘they’ (lower beings) do not possess souls and therefore do not get into the afterlife however it is my belief there is no afterlife, only the continuation of life on another frequency, and what some might term a different vibrational level or plane of experience.

So called (by the powers that be) ‘Lower Beings’ don’t concern themselves with what happens when they reach the end of their current Earthly manifestation, before taking on the shell/vehicle of their next incarnation. They therefore cannot be ruled over and controlled by the ruling elites, so their presences here are negated however it is my belief, they are US in motion. ‘Our’ Earthly teachers.

I believe that everything that has ever happened, is happening and will ever happen is happening in The Eternal Moment of NOW.

I may look out into my garden and see a Flowering Cherry tree situated next to a Sycamore tree and then next to that, a Laurel bush. Whereas ‘another’ being living in what we term The Past or The Future, may see something entirely different altogether.

What are viewed as ghosts are people living NOW on another plane and which some people are sensitive enough to pick up on. ‘Ghosts’ are simply distant echoes of this Eternal NOWness.

What is termed Heaven and Hell is also happening right now, depending on what frequency or vibration a living being is resonating at.

Reincarnation for many is seen as a trap and in a way it is, if a person believes they are their bodies, their experiences this time around and are ensnared by the Temporal. When it is their time to leave this plane of existence, they will return to this same world. The world where a minority of people hold all the power and use ‘us’ as ‘they’ see fit. They will return to this paradigm because ‘they’ believe that this, what can only be directly experienced through the known (official) senses, is all there is.

I believe Reincarnation is actually freedom as Heaven is here at all times. The New Earth is here right now, not in some distant future time.

Is a Dunnock, a Harvestman or a Muntjac who all live here in this world alongside us humans concerned with the machinations of our ruling elites? No. Because they are the US in motion objectively. I believe it is us humans who are working on a lower vibrational level, think rape, murder, wars, genocide etc It is from ‘them’, the so called lower beings who live alongside us, (The Unsouled Out), that we will learn what it is to be truly alive in the Newness of Life Eternal.

The concept of Oneness has been hijacked by the power elites because ‘they’ know the Truth although they choose to be aligned with the Temporal within that. This is why I have been loath to discuss this topic. Just as a certain leader from a 20th Century war took a symbol used within Jainism and subverted it to his own hideous ends, the same has occurred with Oneness. Oneness isn’t about surrendering ourselves because there is nothing to surrender. We are all already That Which We Seek. It is not ‘out there’ at all.

The hunter I referred to earlier on who becomes the hunted only does so if he/she believes their lives end at the moment ‘they’ ‘die’ and then cease to exist forever, end up in a place of fire or trapped back here again to endlessly go through the same horrors they have previously experienced. That mindset will always ensure a return to The World ‘they’ feel ‘they’ know.

On the other hand, the hunter who awakens and realises he/she is also the being they are hunting as well as the liberator of ‘both’ of ‘their’ lives in that same moment, that person will inherit the New Earth which awaits just beyond the veil of what he/she believes ‘they’ experience here.

I believe that until the so called Higher Animals eg humans let go of their need to feel special which creates hierarchy and a sense there are ‘others’ who aren’t as privileged, we are destined to return ‘here’ time and time and time again.

There will however come a ‘time’ when it is clear there is no ‘we’ or ‘they’ but only The All, through which US experiences Life both subjectively (Students) and objectively (Teachers). In that Cosmic Moment, the students become wise teachers and ‘both’ then merge into The Greatest Teacher Of Them All…

LOVE.

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Silence As The Backdrop To Life

My experiences last year in hospital and the time spent in Intensive Care clinging onto life has taught me a great deal. I was a frail, sensitive child. The archetypal seven-stone weakling. Yet, I have surmounted the seemingly insurmountable. I have stared death in the face and found myself, even in my weakest moments (both physically and mentally) and against all odds, able to keep up the fight to remain here.

I was listening to music earlier. It’s the relationship with silence which makes music so moving, for me at least. It’s in the interplay of the music against the backdrop of silence which was there before the song began and will be there when it has stopped, which makes music so affecting. The omnipresent silence therefore the canvas onto which music is sonically painted.

As it was then last year when my life hung in the balance, the silence of non-existence juxtaposed against the fight to stay here, even though one day I’ll be gone. I just knew my journey wasn’t done, that more of life needed to play out. I likely will not amount to much in societal or worldly terms but that’s not the point. I am reminded of the quote spoken by Warren Zevon back in 2002 as he edged closer to the silence having been given the diagnosis of terminal cancer. “Enjoy every sandwich” he opined on Letterman.

You know, I never really understood that sentiment until fairly recently when I was once again able to eat and enjoy a sandwich. Up until then I had been very careful about what I ate due to the extensive nature of the bowel surgery I had undergone. Life is strange. I had been wanting to go fully vegan before all the drama of last year and had successfully cut out red meat but still occasionally ate white meat and some dairy. Now, all of that makes me feel physically sick and I end up on the toilet a lot, which leads to that area stinging and burning, so in a way what happened forced me to adopt the life I always wanted but hadn’t given myself fully to before.

So it was then, I took a bite of a sandwich.

The softness of the bread, the tastiness of the filling, the feeling of doing something usual again after so long of eating in essence, bland foods. Before all of this, I would have needed to have been taken to a great restaurant with the most extensive menu to feel anything like that but nope, there I was, sat in my kitchen tucking into a regular sandwich and it tasted incredible.

But more so than that, it took me directly into that given moment. I could never get my head around the concept of Living In The Moment. I was always thinking about the past or planning towards a future. I understood it in my head but it never resonated with me fully. Now it does and I get it. I am now completely focused on whatever it is I am doing in any moment and I give my all to it, whatever it happens to be.

The backdrop is always silence, whether it be the knowledge that one day I won’t be here in the form I am now, as I once again enter non-existence or just writing in ‘silence’ which is never possible as there is always some sound happening whether it be one of the cats purring, the hum of the refrigerator, an owl hooting outside, rain pelting against the window. I’m okay with not existing as we all reach that state anyhow.

The simplicity of the moment is always there, perhaps making a cup of tea which has now become a minor ceremony as I imagine how many people, how many pairs of hands, how many lives were involved in the process of getting the tea from the Sri Lankan fields to my warmed teapot and then a flavoursome brew. It can be watching the refuse collectors first thing in the morning, as the truck makes its way up the street and often under the cover of darkness. The unsung heroes who work the menial jobs with little to no thanks and who get up at ungodly hours to work a totally unglamorous job, just so our lives run a little smoother.

Everything is different now.

My entire outlook has changed and for the better. I don’t just sense the interconnectedness between all things, I see it, I hear it, I KNOW it. But what I have been completely unprepared for is how much I have become the silence which is always there, playing out against the backdrop of my own life.

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Worlds Within Worlds

When I was a small boy, I had 2 large maps which I used to lay out on the floor. One was of the world and the other was of the UK. I used to put books on the corners to stop the maps from curling up from where they had been rolled up and stowed away beforehand. I used to feel like a giant looking down at both maps. The world map seemed so vast. Each country a miniature representation. I would look at capital cities and know that within that dot were millions of people in real-life, out there someplace, milling about and doing their thing.

The UK map showed just the geographical area in which I lived and yet the scope was still hard to get my head around. The idea that within each place name were people, places, houses, cars, families, lives. I was trying to visualise a person. Just one person. How they might look on that map but again the scale was too large for me to do that. Nowadays with online maps we can zoom in and make out individual people, cars and then zoom out again. That was what I was trying for. I was trying to make sense of the vastness of the world outside of what I knew. Outside of my street, the suburb in which I lived, the wider county and then the country. It was endlessly fascinating to me.

So it was recently, that I found myself in the back garden looking at areas where I could place bird feeders. It was in doing this, I discovered a concrete bird bath. I thought if I could cut the foliage from around it and wash it out, that would make an ideal place for the smaller birds to come and drink as well as wash themselves. I noticed there were a number of leaves in there. I approached to start moving them out from there when suddenly hundreds of tiny little insects began jumping into the air. Their home was the bird bath. When they were jumping they could easily be seen however when they settled back down again, they were invisible. A tiny world within the world of the garden, within the street, within the local area, within a suburb, within a district of a wider town. Worlds within worlds. I left them to it, without further disturbances.

I was that little boy again delighting in the enormity of the world except for a split second I was in insect form looking at the giant of the man who stood there spellbound in that timeless moment. Ever since spending time in hospital last year, I feel an interconnectedness with all things. I have always cared for the natural world and tended to it however there’s a spiritual side to it all now. A feeling of being alive in this moment and so when I am in the presence of other living organisms, whatever the size, I feel a sense of gratitude, awe and wonder that we are all here in this moment, reflecting life back to one another.

I am sitting here now typing this. I have a boy cat stretched out on the floor beside me and a girl cat laying with her head on her catnip toy. Across from me is the Buddleia bush which has grown exponentially since planting it out 2 Summers ago. In front of that is Hypericum and then to my right is a damson tree and to the left a hedge of some sort. Within that will be insects, arachnids, all sorts of creatures and they are all here right now, living out their lives.

Before I was taken into hospital and then into Intensive Care, I was aware of all of this on a knowledge level however subsequent to leaving and returning back to the land of the living, I am now aware of the world around me on a feelings level as well. It’s as if the millions of living creatures, some so tiny you would need a microscope to see them are all collectively in my mind’s eye all of the time.

Everywhere I look is life. The buds are returning to the bushes and trees, the garden looks greener by the day, the sun today has got its hat on, the birds are singing and within the boundary of my home and garden are millions of life forms. Their lives will largely go unnoticed by the many however not by me. Worlds within worlds within worlds.

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Contemplation Time

I am sitting here listening to a song, The River Knows Your Name, by my favourite singer-songwriter, John Hiatt. It’s from the album Walk On which was the first album of John’s I bought and still the one which captivates me the most.

In the town in which I live are three rivers and the smallest one flows into a larger one and then further along that river flows into the largest. So there are 2 points along the journey of each river where a river merges with another and becomes one before individuating once more.

I am reminded of the quote attributed to Rumi – “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” I like that. We don’t have to surrender our individuality in realising we are each more alike than different.

I was thinking about water and how it often represents emotion and just as the song began, rain started to pelt against the window. There’s a whole world outside that window. I used to get up really early and walk about and streetlights would be on and the occasional lighted window in the houses around me but by and large, everyone would be in the land of slumber having hopefully nice dreams and who knows, maybe some astral travel as well.

The rain hit the windows hard and I was reminded of the musical warrior, Gord Downie. A remarkable individual. I was introduced to him through the parent band, The Tragically Hip. The album was Live Between Us. It was so different to anything I had heard before yet I was captivated at once by the sound and feel of the band and the deftly poetic allusions created by Gord as he expressed himself artistically through song.

The first studio album I heard was In Violet Light and I was especially taken by a song called “It’s A Good Life If You Don’t Weaken.” Gord Downie died in 2017 of an aggressive form of brain cancer, called glioblastoma.

In the time remaining after his diagnosis, he went on a final tour with The Hip and that last show is on YouTube in its entirety. The song Grace, Too is incredibly hard to watch because in the screams contained within the song is a man railing against the dying of his own light. He begins to cry. The screams become a cri de couer. It makes me want to reach into the screen and hold him and tell him everything will be okay although he and I would know that it wouldn’t be. I would still want to reassure him in some way. At least to let him know I value/valued his presence on this Earth.

Gord also recorded a haunting album entitled Secret Path which charted the short life of Chanie Wenjack, an Anishinaabe boy who ran home one night from an Indian residential school before sadly succumbing to hunger and exposure. His body was found next to a railway line. He had walked for 36 hours in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a windbreaker. It’s a powerful musical statement pertaining to a terribly sad time in the history of Indigenous peoples living in Canada.

When I was in Intensive Care last year, I got chatting to a nurse who worked there. She was mad keen on the band Rush, another group of incredible Canadian musicians and it was through her I reacquainted myself with them. The drummer Neil Peart had himself passed away due to brain cancer. I had in the past been crazy about the band and had seen them in London on their R30 tour. The only concert I have been to where people not only stayed for the drum solo but awaited it with baited breath and Neil didn’t disappoint. Three master musicians.

Anyhow, I started watching YouTube videos and I came across a performance of “It’s A Good Life If You Don’t Weaken” performed at the 2021 Juno Awards with the remaining members of The Tragically Hip and with special guest Feist on vocals. It broke me in two. Here I was, still close to death and yet suddenly remembering how precious life was/is. Sometimes I forget. I have healed and life goes on. Gord isn’t here. Neil isn’t here. Their music however remains, as do I.

And as do you reading this.

If I could, I would reach out from this screen and hug each and every one of you and let you know, in no uncertain terms, how grateful I am that I know you.

Thank you for your Earthly presence in my life.

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Love Light Life (333)

My moral code is simple and it’s all the L’s.

Love
Light
Life

Is it coming from a place of Love?

Is it going to add more Light to the world?

Is it Life affirming?

If the answer is “Yes” in all three cases then I proceed. If it is not then I don’t.

That’s the code I adhere to.

L is the 12th letter of the alphabet and it sums to 3. 1+2 = 3.

L ove
L ight
L ife

333.


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Realisations

In 2000, I had an emotional breakdown. It came out of nowhere and I cried for well over an hour. It was a torrent of emotions. I was at a church across town. I felt called to go there. I was chatting away outside and the next thing I knew, I was sobbing. The priest was informed and he came outside and held my hand while I cried. I couldn’t stop.

To this day, I have never known why that place and why I cried as I did. Just seconds before I was having a very normal and ordinary chat with some people there.

Today, I discovered from an online search that the person I spoke about in the previous post, the young gay lad who died tragically at just 19 had his funeral there 2 years previously. I didn’t know that until today. There must have been some sort of residual memory trace or psychic remnants hanging about or maybe I was on a track, which I was closely aligned to because of knowing him, albeit briefly, and this tied me to his energy. I don’t know.

Thinking about it today, I realise there was a feeling associated with the emotional event back in 2000 which mirrors exactly what I felt when I met him and what I feel now, all these years on, having thought about him again. I was crying for E even though he was no longer on the physical plane.

In all the time which has subsequently passed, I have probably only met a handful of people who have left such a deep impression upon me. I think these people, beacons, come along once in a while and although their physical presence is no longer around, their imprint remains for all time and is just as strong as when they were living alongside us. E was definitely one of those.

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It’s A Strange Sort Of World

I have been thinking a lot lately about someone I knew only briefly in my early 20’s. He was a young gay lad. I met him through a mutual friend at the time.

He had been brought up within the Roman Catholic religion and his coming out was a difficult time for his nearest and dearest. I knew him for just a few short months back in the late 1990’s but I was always struck by his kindness, his gentle nature and his resolve to live life on his own terms, regardless of what the fallout might have been for others who perhaps weren’t quite as accepting of himself as he was. He wasn’t yet out of his teens but in many ways, a self actualised individual. I looked up to him. He was courageous and although his smile masked inner turmoil and pain, he always brought love to the table.

He was befriended by an older male (B) within the wider gay community. I can vividly recall the night I was told that B had been involved in an horrific accident. His car had veered off the road and shortly thereafter burst into flames, the occupant fully aware of the situation he had found himself in. I was friends with quite a few gay people at the time and one was an older male, same sort of age as B. He burst into tears when he heard. He told me what a lovely man B was. I was relieved it wasn’t E. A short while later, it was discovered B hadn’t been in the car at all but had let E borrow it.

E was a lovely person, inside and out. He had a smiling cheeky face and the thought he had left the world in that way, filled with yet more pain, his beauty being erased with each passing second, was just too horrible to contemplate. His story was featured in the local newspaper. His photograph there too. I got hold of a copy and took it home, putting it under my bed and taking it out once in a while to read it, to somehow keep him alive. My mother being a deeply homophobic person (still is, sadly) got rid of it. Threw it out and only told me after the dustbin men had taken it away.

I have been an addict for a very long time. Drink, food, cigarettes etc you name it. I have been battling inwardly for more time than I care to think about and this year having gone through yet another breakdown, realised my issues had begun in the serious way they have presented themselves within my life, since about 1998. That’s the year I pinpointed it to. So, I decided to once and for all get clean and discover who I am under all of this.

It was then E came to me in a dream. There he was. Just as when I knew him. I could hear his voice. I hadn’t thought about him in over 20 years so wasn’t sure at the time why I had dreamed of him. I now realise he was the catalyst for my self-destructive path, the straw which broke this camel’s back. Getting clean had created the insights needed to see that the pain of his loss was just too much for me to handle at the time and because I didn’t have anyone I could confide in about this, I instead tried to bury it and simultaneously began seriously self-medicating.

The day after the dream, I went looking online for him and for a long time couldn’t find him at all and wondered if I had made him up. Then there he was. Born 1978, died 1998 at just 19. I had found him. I was born in 1973 and my year of birth seems to get further away with time using the scroll bars on online forms but 1978 still seems fresh. I feel the pressure of time now at 48 but 43/44 is nothing. Young. It’s difficult to contemplate someone having had so much to offer the world and being gone in his early 40’s, let alone knowing that for 24 of those years he hasn’t graced the world at all with his presence and never will do so again.

I miss him. More now probably than ever.

This song reminds me of him.

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Seeking Direction

My blog has been directionless for a long time and I have thought about closing it down however I set it up with intent and that remains, so here I am once again.

I decided to stop thinking, to let things which need to air come to the surface and I had some very powerful realisations. I am 48, nearly 2/3 of the way through the journey.

I fear death. I can’t see it as it’s still some way off however I know it’s there, looming just over the horizon. I have been thinking about my mark on the world, my legacy and panicking.

I know that I don’t need to worry. The stranger I smile at which lifts their mood and makes them feel that yes, I do wish to stay here keeps me going as does seeing a stranger smile at me.

I have too often felt apart from the world instead of being a part of it.

Writing keeps me sane. It’s no real surprise that my world fell apart when I figuratively put down my pen for a while.

I don’t know what direction this blog will eventually go in or if it will just randomly meander and that’s okay. It will go where it goes.

It’s nice to be back.

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