Tag: love

My Friend Left This World Today

At just after 3.00pm this afternoon, my beautiful baby, my dear friend, my companion, my love – left this world. She slipped away in about 20 seconds. We changed vet’s this past week and hoped she would live for a good few weeks however the stress of the situation, she had lost so much weight, took her so very quickly. Even 3 days ago, I could see she was still there fully in her face even though her body was wasting away.

The vet was magnificent. An amazing person. So kind, so gentle. I wished he had been our vet from the beginning. Our previous vet lacked humanity and was out to extract as much money as possible. He told us all about the process upon our arrival. He made sure The Queen B was comfortable. We opted to take her wrapped in a blanket rather than in her carrier to minimise stress. She loved driving through Sonning Eye and seeing the river. When we arrived at the practice, he took her into the back room bundled in her blanket and prepared her for the procedure.

He brought her back through and gave us 5 minutes alone to prepare. When it was time, he came back into the room. He was such a calming presence. He flushed the cannula and when we were ready, gave her the injection. In that moment, I felt a second of blind panic knowing that the process was irreversible. A short while later, her head settled down and her body went limp. I bawled my eyes out.

When we had adjusted to what had happened, he took her out the back and removed the cannula before returning with her wrapped beautifully in her blanket. Her face covered and her eyes had been closed. Her emaciated body had seemed so light when we had arrived. It suddenly felt so heavy. We thanked the vet and the receptionist for their kindness then brought her home. She is buried at the bottom of the garden in her blanket, facing towards the house. She is in a lovely location, right under where the birds and squirrels feed. She used to love hanging out there.

A strange thing happened a little earlier tonight. We heard a cat cry. Right up by the window. We both looked outside but there was no one there. We ventured outside to where we had heard the sound. As we came back inside, we heard it again. The sound was unmistakable and so close to us. It was her, letting us know she was okay. It’s not going to bring her back but I know she is safe on her journey, to wherever she is headed to. I hope we meet again.

Being without her, even for just this short amount of time is agonising. Even these past few days, with her so withdrawn and unwell – knowing she was here was a great comfort. She was an amazing person and I told her everything I needed to before the procedure. I kissed her and told her I loved her, hundreds of times. She was loved. Adored actually. I will never get over her passing and I will not have another pet because they won’t be her. It wouldn’t be fair on them.

Goodnight my precious, sweet and funny friend. You lit up my world and I will never forget you. If I’m honest, I wished you could have taken me with you. What got me through last year in Intensive Care, was knowing you would be there waiting for me upon my arrival home. You buoyed me up and got me through. Life is going to be unbearable without you.

My Name

In hospital, I began thinking about of all things, my name. Jonathan, which translates as Yahweh Has Given or in simpler terms, God’s Gift.

Yahweh is the god of the Old Testament. A wrath-filled, tyrannical, condemnatory, hateful, mass-murdering entity.

My middle name is my Dad’s name, a man I have only met a handful of times.

My surname is my Stepdad’s name. I can honestly say that in the 23 years I knew him, I only ever knew kindness. He treated me very well indeed. I was loved and I knew it. It’s also the name my mother took on when she married him so I’m okay with that.

Which leaves me with the so called Christian name and my middle name. How easy is it to slip on a different first name?

A lot of people know me as Jonathan and my Mum will never call me anything else however the association with that moniker is hatred and all I want to reflect back now, is Love.

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The Greatest Teacher Of Them All

As I recently wrote as a reply to a post here at WordPress:-

“I’m of the belief (and these are my beliefs) that this life and all future lives, whether they be human or fish, fur and feather, all take place in the Eternal Moment of NOW.”

I believe all beings reincarnate and their next lives have a karmic resonance.

In other words, a hunter in one life comes back as the hunted in the next. Although there is only the one life for everyone, both individually and as a ‘collective.’ What do I mean by that?

I believe there is one Universal Soul and we are each a part of that or rather what is referred to as the Ego believes it’s a part of/apart from that Universal Soul (which I am going to simply call from this point on, US). In fact none of who we presently term ‘us’ is a part of nor apart from US. We are ‘each’ the ALL. We are each US.

The body is within the Soul.

The US being the web of life within which we are all connected because we are One. Our bodies are a way for the US to experience itself subjectively, a series of mirrors reflecting back stages of Truth although we ‘each’ contain the Entirety of US.

I believe ‘we’ have the option as human beings to align ourselves with Truth, which is the greater US or to allow ourselves to be guided and ruled by the Temporal, eg The World and its myriad influences.

I believe that what are referred to as lower beings – animals, insects, bacteria etc are in actual fact the US in action or motion objectively. No subjective reflection is needed within that.

We often hear that ‘they’ (lower beings) do not possess souls and therefore do not get into the afterlife however it is my belief there is no afterlife, only the continuation of life on another frequency, and what some might term a different vibrational level or plane of experience.

So called (by the powers that be) ‘Lower Beings’ don’t concern themselves with what happens when they reach the end of their current Earthly manifestation, before taking on the shell/vehicle of their next incarnation. They therefore cannot be ruled over and controlled by the ruling elites, so their presences here are negated however it is my belief, they are US in motion. ‘Our’ Earthly teachers.

I believe that everything that has ever happened, is happening and will ever happen is happening in The Eternal Moment of NOW.

I may look out into my garden and see a Flowering Cherry tree situated next to a Sycamore tree and then next to that, a Laurel bush. Whereas ‘another’ being living in what we term The Past or The Future, may see something entirely different altogether.

What are viewed as ghosts are people living NOW on another plane and which some people are sensitive enough to pick up on. ‘Ghosts’ are simply distant echoes of this Eternal NOWness.

What is termed Heaven and Hell is also happening right now, depending on what frequency or vibration a living being is resonating at.

Reincarnation for many is seen as a trap and in a way it is, if a person believes they are their bodies, their experiences this time around and are ensnared by the Temporal. When it is their time to leave this plane of existence, they will return to this same world. The world where a minority of people hold all the power and use ‘us’ as ‘they’ see fit. They will return to this paradigm because ‘they’ believe that this, what can only be directly experienced through the known (official) senses, is all there is.

I believe Reincarnation is actually freedom as Heaven is here at all times. The New Earth is here right now, not in some distant future time.

Is a Dunnock, a Harvestman or a Muntjac who all live here in this world alongside us humans concerned with the machinations of our ruling elites? No. Because they are the US in motion objectively. I believe it is us humans who are working on a lower vibrational level, think rape, murder, wars, genocide etc It is from ‘them’, the so called lower beings who live alongside us, (The Unsouled Out), that we will learn what it is to be truly alive in the Newness of Life Eternal.

The concept of Oneness has been hijacked by the power elites because ‘they’ know the Truth although they choose to be aligned with the Temporal within that. This is why I have been loath to discuss this topic. Just as a certain leader from a 20th Century war took a symbol used within Jainism and subverted it to his own hideous ends, the same has occurred with Oneness. Oneness isn’t about surrendering ourselves because there is nothing to surrender. We are all already That Which We Seek. It is not ‘out there’ at all.

The hunter I referred to earlier on who becomes the hunted only does so if he/she believes their lives end at the moment ‘they’ ‘die’ and then cease to exist forever, end up in a place of fire or trapped back here again to endlessly go through the same horrors they have previously experienced. That mindset will always ensure a return to The World ‘they’ feel ‘they’ know.

On the other hand, the hunter who awakens and realises he/she is also the being they are hunting as well as the liberator of ‘both’ of ‘their’ lives in that same moment, that person will inherit the New Earth which awaits just beyond the veil of what he/she believes ‘they’ experience here.

I believe that until the so called Higher Animals eg humans let go of their need to feel special which creates hierarchy and a sense there are ‘others’ who aren’t as privileged, we are destined to return ‘here’ time and time and time again.

There will however come a ‘time’ when it is clear there is no ‘we’ or ‘they’ but only The All, through which US experiences Life both subjectively (Students) and objectively (Teachers). In that Cosmic Moment, the students become wise teachers and ‘both’ then merge into The Greatest Teacher Of Them All…

LOVE.

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Love Light Life (333)

My moral code is simple and it’s all the L’s.

Love
Light
Life

Is it coming from a place of Love?

Is it going to add more Light to the world?

Is it Life affirming?

If the answer is “Yes” in all three cases then I proceed. If it is not then I don’t.

That’s the code I adhere to.

L is the 12th letter of the alphabet and it sums to 3. 1+2 = 3.

L ove
L ight
L ife

333.


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Realisations

In 2000, I had an emotional breakdown. It came out of nowhere and I cried for well over an hour. It was a torrent of emotions. I was at a church across town. I felt called to go there. I was chatting away outside and the next thing I knew, I was sobbing. The priest was informed and he came outside and held my hand while I cried. I couldn’t stop.

To this day, I have never known why that place and why I cried as I did. Just seconds before I was having a very normal and ordinary chat with some people there.

Today, I discovered from an online search that the person I spoke about in the previous post, the young gay lad who died tragically at just 19 had his funeral there 2 years previously. I didn’t know that until today. There must have been some sort of residual memory trace or psychic remnants hanging about or maybe I was on a track, which I was closely aligned to because of knowing him, albeit briefly, and this tied me to his energy. I don’t know.

Thinking about it today, I realise there was a feeling associated with the emotional event back in 2000 which mirrors exactly what I felt when I met him and what I feel now, all these years on, having thought about him again. I was crying for E even though he was no longer on the physical plane.

In all the time which has subsequently passed, I have probably only met a handful of people who have left such a deep impression upon me. I think these people, beacons, come along once in a while and although their physical presence is no longer around, their imprint remains for all time and is just as strong as when they were living alongside us. E was definitely one of those.

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Direction

I am trying to find the direction for this blog. As of yet, it is drifting rudderless and maybe it has to until I can ascertain where it needs to be? Maybe that is part of the charm? I don’t know. I just hope you will all stay around while it finds its way.

I am sitting up in bed right now. Well, ‘bed’ might be too strong a word for what I have going here because I am in the kitchen.

The thick mat which usually sits on the carpet in front of the fireplace in the lounge is the base element for the thin but firm mattress which is sitting on top of it, then a thin blanket on top of that and all finished off with pillows and a thick duvet.

My mate, a gorgeous jet black cat is beside me. My other cat is upstairs and I do one night on/one night off with my pal because he attacks my other one. Tonight is the ‘one night on’ with him.

He didn’t come back in until just after 10 p.m. because he knew I was unhappy with what he did earlier – which was to bring to me a living, petrified creature of unknown species (it could have been a small hare, a rat or a mouse). I didn’t see it other than it was in his mouth and before I could ascertain what, he had shot off down the garden and over the fence with me running closely behind. I don’t know the fate of said creature other than it was intermittently screaming in terror.

I have been watching YouTube videos this evening and I stopped a short while back to tell him (not that he can comprehend my words but maybe he would be able to get a sense of them from the feelings I imbued them with?) that he never needed to fear me ever and certainly not based upon what had occurred earlier in the day, that he could have shown up immediately afterwards and I would have let him know I wasn’t happy (by shaking my head and holding off a tad in terms of affection for a very short time) but that he would have also known, in no uncertain terms, that I was glad to see him and that he is loved by me, which he most certainly is.

I stroked his head while I said this and he nuzzled against my hand, purred and we looked at each other adoringly. He is now laying beside me, curled up, his catnip mouse toy entwined in his paws. All is good. I hope he sleeps well and has the sweetest of dreams. I hope that whatever it was I saw him with has a far more pleasant future incarnation and lives its life out free from harm also knowing it is loved, far away from presently dreaming feline predators.

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What It All Boils Down To

I spent all of yesterday crying, worrying, regretting, wishing, thinking “I didn’t do enough” for my little fur pal, Xev.

I was remembering times when she came to visit with me but I was too busy working on things which felt oh so important at the time but actually weren’t at all because here I am and I could be doing them and all I feel is the palpable sadness and sense of loss due to the physical absence of my best friend.

That last day…

She was so frail. It took her a full half a minute to stand and yet when I awoke and called “Good morning Xev. Did you sleep well? Did you have nice dreams? I hope so” to where she was (which was sleeping on a chair about 10 feet away), I heard her jump down to the floor and make her way over to me. She climbed with great difficulty onto the sofa next to where I was laying on the floor.

I had been sleeping downstairs for months. I have another cat Bonnie but she (Xev) and her son Lexx would bully her so I would spend the days equally sharing time between them and then at night, I would sleep one night on the floor downstairs to be near Lexx and Xev and one night upstairs in bed to be with Bonnie. Usually though it was 4 nights with Xev and Lexx and 3 nights with Bonnie because Mum sleeps upstairs and there’s always company for her (Bonnie) at night.

So, going back to her last day (which I didn’t know was her last day) she jumped down from where she had been sleeping and walked over to where I was. She climbed up and over me with difficulty to get to the sofa and laid there right up close to me, where I stroked her and told her she was loved as I did every day. Lexx was on the sofa sprawled out beside her. I had said Good Morning to him too and told him he was loved. I never showed favouritism. Each cat got exactly the same amount of attention/affection. I just felt more of a closeness with Xev.

He soon got up and made his way outside. She stayed with me. Then it happened. She suddenly looked into my eyes and it was as if she was searching them. She had never looked at me like that before. It went on for about a minute and a half. I remembered the quote by Rumi – “What You Seek Is Seeking You.” In those precious moments, I became aware I was no longer looking into the eyes of a cat or even my best pal but rather the very depths of the Universe. I went into what I can only term a bliss state. I at first smiled and this made way for a grin. I beamed from ear to ear. We merged. There was no Xev and Jonathan. We were One.

It was at this point, she got up and it took a long time to do so as it was such an exertion for her. She moved across to where I was and climbed right up onto me so she was perched on my left arm (I was on my right side, looking towards the sofa where she had been), her little paws dangling over the edge of my shoulder and her little face looking down at me. I put my hand over her paws and she licked them. I stroked her from that very awkward position because she was laying on my left arm. I winked at her and she winked back. I had trained her to do that. She then began purring and did that long blinking cats do when they know they are safe and loved. I returned the compliment. Her purr was beautiful and contained within it so many frequencies.

We laid like that for perhaps 7 or 8 minutes and then I needed to get up. She slowly moved off and I went to have a pee, wash my hands and then went into the kitchen where I had a cup of tea. She came and stood just a few feet from me. She looked so small that morning. For some reason, I didn’t stroke her and that has bothered me however had she moved towards me, I absolutely would have done. She didn’t look up at me. Just stood there. She then went to get some water and I made my way through to the coffee table where I usually sat and used the computer.

She climbed up the armrest of the adjacent sofa just inches from where I was sitting and this exertion totally exhausted her. She half stood, half laid there shaking and panting. I moved across to her and kissed her left shoulder and she immediately began purring and leaned in to me. I told her she was loved, over and over again. That she meant the world to me. It was at this point I looked at Mum and we knew it was time.

I continued to hold her and told her she was loved, stroking her as she purred and continued to lean into me. I held her like this for 5 or 6 minutes before the carrier was placed in front of her. She fought against going in there, clinging to me. She wasn’t having any of it. Then I tried by lightly touching her paws and she let go immediately and got into the carrier with no issues at all. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see her again or else I would have made a bigger fuss of her when she was inside the carrier. I regret not having done so.

I had no idea she was so close to death. They ran various tests at the vet’s and then she was sedated so she could be scanned. It was then they discovered she was ‘riddled with cancer.’ She was put to sleep very shortly afterwards and her passing was instant. She didn’t suffer at all.

I couldn’t be there when she died.

She died in the arms of a veterinarian, a stranger, because of all this Covid business.

She died just hours after I last saw her.

I regret not being around as much as I feel I could have been in the run up to her passing. I could have spent more time with her however when I think about it, I was there a lot of the time even if I wasn’t as actively present as I would have liked to have been and I slept down with her on the floor 4 nights out of every 7 each week. She lived in a warm, comfortable home with a beautiful garden and she was free to do as she liked. She had her toys which she loved playing with. She was told she was loved dozens of times each day.

So yes, I could have done things differently along the way but then I guess we could all say that however when it really mattered, I was there for her and when she signalled her quality of life was minimal, I absolutely did the right thing by her and I have zero regrets where that is concerned. So, with recriminations and regrets aside, what it all boils down to is that, at the end of the day, she knew in no uncertain terms, I cared about her and that she was loved.

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A Grief Which Persists

On 1st September 2021, I lost the best friend I have ever had.

It was April of 2015 when I initially met her. I was outside in my garden and there she was, walking tentatively across the dew-laden grass.

She was a delight. Our eyes met and we held each other’s gaze for a few seconds and then she went on her way. I knew in that instant I had met someone important.

Every day from that point on, she would be out there. She didn’t let me touch her for a full 10 months but it didn’t matter, I would go outside just to be with her. Eventually, she let me stroke her albeit briefly and that was that. We held each other’s gaze once more. The strongest bond imaginable was forged in that moment.

Our life together began.

We built upon that bond and soon developed a rapport which was demonstrably affectionate. Tender.

Wherever I was, she was. Wherever she was, I was.

At night, she would lay up beside me and I would put my hand on her paw and she would squeeze my fingers and I would gently squeeze hers back.

She used to run towards me very much like a horse during dressage. She would hold her head up high, making eye contact and then run towards me in a sort of exaggerated yet entirely natural fashion. It was something to see. It would melt my heart every time.

She didn’t miaow, instead she would make a miniature roar type of sound. It was very cute.

I never showed favouritism with the other 2 cats in terms of time spent with them or cuddles and petting given however there was a very unique bond between us. It was as if she was a fully actualised person housed within the smallest cat body. She stood less than a foot high from the pads of her paws to the tip of her ears. She was tiny yet occupied a massive place within my heart.

Her loss has broken me.

I find myself standing outside looking for her, hoping that somehow I have got it wrong and that she is okay, alive and just lost and will soon find her way back home. I know this is not the case. I just can’t bear the thought I will never see or hear her again. I loved the sound she made when she played with her toy. Those adorable vocalisations filled the entire house which in turn became a home.

One tiny creature in the grand scheme of things, made the world of difference to me and at times, she was pretty much the only thing which kept me afloat. I suffer with depression. I live with autism. I am ‘different.’ I am ‘other’ where the human race is concerned. She saw through that. She saw me and clearly liked the person she found there and stayed by my side for nearly 6.5 years.

She was the love of my life and I miss her.

I miss her beautiful big round saucer eyes. I miss holding her close to me and hearing her purr and then feeling that purr resonate throughout my entire being. I miss her smell, which was of the garden, cookie dough, and freshly washed linen sheets all rolled into one.

She was magnificent. She was wonderful. She was kind. She was loving. She accepted me totally. She witnessed my meltdowns, and my tears. She sat with me during catatonic phases where I would stare blankly at the wall, sometimes for hours at a time. She did so without judgement. She did so because she wanted to be there, with me.

I miss seeing her run towards me and then me getting down to walk on all fours around the kitchen beside her. Always 3 times in a row which culminated on each lap with her rubbing her little face against the wall.

I miss her sitting in my lap and grooming while I stroked her. I miss watching her pause within that to look at me before going back to washing herself again.

I miss her sitting on the table in front of me, nonchalantly looking out the window yet knowing she was the centre of my attention, the epicentre of my world.

Xev is irreplaceable.

The grief persists.

I don’t just feel lonely without her. I feel alone.

I have lost the one person on this journey through life who not only truly knew me but who also completely understood me.

I was accepted. I was loved. So was she. I adored her. She was my everything.

The loss is unbearable.

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